An Open letter to HR department

Dear Recruiters,

I have sent you resumes many a times but you are not taking any cognizance. I tried my best to portray a positive image of myself but all in vain. I do not know what you are looking for, may be a person smarter than  super computer,but the salary that you are offering, you don't deserve even a calculator. Do you even know The resumes that you have rejected costs me Rs. 2500, which, as per Naukri.com was prepared by some expert. But now The Resume which I am sending you is prepared by "A MAESTRO: WHICH IS ME" and it cost me more than half an hour of my life.

The other side of a Chartered Accountant                                 Address: BLA Bla BLA

                                                                                                            Phone #: 973########2                                                                                                                                                                                                                      

Synopsis:  A fresh Chartered Accountant who has spent a good part of his life Studying, Trolling, Bullying and working for blood sucking Chartered Accounting firms. Experienced in working in world's worst working condition with penny wages for a Baldy with oily skin, big eyes, and who snores during lunch time and farts when you are in his cabin. Proven track record of gaining but not sharing knowledge (as my seniors do in their articleship period) among juniors, and staying informed of currently developed conspiracy and gossips in the office.

ORGANIZATIONAL EXPERIENCE

CA XYZ & Ass-ociates – Assurance and Advisory

Tenure –March 2006 to September 2011

Key roles and responsibilities

§ Assurance : Assuraning that I live a good, tension free, cozy, snug, comfortable and happy life for three and half years of articleship and Advisory:advsing the juniors to work hard..

§ Follower of old school of management that " Management means getting the work done through others". Performance History of geting the credit irrespective of who has done the work

§ Credentials of proving that "unlimited internet surfing pack" is not actually unlimited and Internet service provider charge a hefty amount to a CA office after 30GB of download in a month

§ Giving intelligent feedback after office meetings, like, there were 8 tubelights, 15 chairs, 92 ceiling tilesand one fool who was paying attention.

§ Demosntrated capabilities of finishing the work within tight deadlines during audit busy season especially if not finshing within schedule would mean " you are not geeting sundays off"

,

Achievements, Awards and Recognition:

A) Two times suspended from school, reason I being caught only two times.

1) First time I was caught under Arms and Ammunition act (no pun intended) for illegally carrying Fireworks to my school. Acting on a tip-off, school Principal deployed, class monitor, to search my bag. Hair-gel, A mirror, Perfumes of two different fragrance, a  lunch box and huge amount of fireworks were seized . No books were recovered from my bag.

2) Second time I was caught, when I was writing at school wall " Don ko pakadna mushkil hi nai namumkin hai"and a school teacher caught me red handedly.

B) Awards and Recognition:

1) "Security deposit" were seized by school authorities, seeing the vandalism history.

2) No farewell were given to me and my batch in college, which we later  declared as " The college don't want to bid us farewell, they love us so much"

3) Writer of "LAZY way to SUCCESS" and "Teamwork means getting work done in my way"

4) Caught only once while downloading DOGA comics in pdf during office hours.

Professional Overview :

Year	Level	Percentage
2012	CA Final	59.25
2009	PCC	55.83
2006	CPT	77.5

Personal Vitae                   Date of Birth: 25^th December 1989

                                              Languages: English, Hindi, @ %^#$&(

Hobbies: Music (only during meetings), Movies (When sent for Internal Audit), Drawing (Only cartoons sketches of collegues and professors), Blogging and Books(Fashion magazines and Bollywood Masala)

The other side of a Chartered Accountant

DONO HAATHO MAI LADOO

How would you feel if a GUPCHUP wala (Commonly known as RAAMJEE in our city)  will offer you a pappadi without asking for it, Green CHUTNEY will be offered with samosa for free, Poly bags are given free in a shopping mall.



Of course Great!!!



Same thing happened with me. I prayed for a Girlfriend and I am getting two!!



Last Thursday I got a brand new, trendy, good looking, cute , awesome, sexy, hot, fashionable, stylish, elegant girl.



Although I am already committed with someone, so, I decided to let her () go.



But one fine morning when I was busy with my Laptop, I heared a  TV commercial " Men will be Men", But I ignored this SIGNAL OF GOD. Same day during my lunch one of my friend was watching a classic Indian movie and an oldie in that movie was saying " KANNON SABOOTO KO MAANTA HAI JAASBATOON KO NAHI" I knew this was again  GOD'S SIGNAL (Must be from Lord KRISHNA). I thought for a moment " she " will never came to know afbout my affair . And even if "she" will came to know where is the SABOOT judge SAAb??



So I decided to go for her. However, I decided to let her know that I am already committed and that she need to abide by some conditions.



I prepared a contract (Sometimes Education Helps!!). Here is the format which I sent to her.



Private & Confidential


Tuesday, April 24, 2012


Miss shrivastva
My sweet neighbour
Tel: 97@#$%^&






                                                         EMPLOYMENT CONTRACT

 Dear Vristi (Not so hot but very fat girl),

 This contract is in between Mr. SEXYkumar (Herewith referred to as first person) and Miss Vristi(Herewith referred to as Second person). The contract shall remain valid for :

 End of two years or
 Your Marriage, whichever is earlier.

 1. Appointment

 1.1 You shall be appointed to the position of GIRLFRIEND (Temporary on contract basis)

1.2 You will join as early as possible but not later than 28th April, 2012

1.3 You shall be based in Ramgarh but will serve me from that place.

 1.4 Your employment with the me is subject to the following condition:

(a) You will call me atleast once in a day, upper limit is not fixed. (However I do not guarantee that I will pick your call. I shall receive your call only on availability of time)

(b) I will call you only subject to availability of balance and time

(c) You have to send me Good Morning /Afternoon/Evening messages everyday, but I do Not gurantee any response.

(d) You shall not, except with my written permission; engage directly or indirectly with any body, whether as a Girlfriend/Lesbian friend or otherwise,

(e) There will be no physical contact between you and me, except kiss and that two would only on cheeks.(However it is up to me to enhance the limit, subject to MAAZAA on kiss)

(f) From today onwards you will call me " jaan" "babu" "betu" "sweetheart" "sona" etc etc. for more adjectives contact some PYAAR KA MAARA and ask him/her.

(g) I like talking NonVeg, so you shall be comfortable with it.

(h) I will continue to have relationship with my Girlfriend.

(i) I will send you gift on every valentine/birthday (till contract is valid), and will be expecting the same from you (the price of  your gift should match with mine). the gift shall be sent subject to availability of CASH with me at that time. however I will not listen to any such excuse from u.

(j) We will go on date only when I will be in Ramgarh and that too in my favourite restaurant(which is SHAMPA BHOJNALAYA). bill shall be liable to be bifurcated between two of us, two third of which shall be paid by you(looking at your diet)

  The contract is liable to be rescinded if any of the above mentioned condition is not fulfilled.



P.S: In return of all these condition I promise to be the best person in your life and I will take utmost CARE of you. I shall take all reasonable steps to make you happy.



Regards

The ultimate Sexy person on the planet

Sexykumar


Please send your acknowledgement within 5 hours, otherwise contract shall deemed to be never been made.

Statutory Warning: Stunt performed by EXPERT, Please do not try this at Workplace/College/School or where ever you are!!!












































she

Band Of Brothers

With the beginning of every academic year, Outlook or India Today, publish its report on Top 10 B-schools/ Engineering Colleges/ Grad. College and so on. So I was just wondering If they could conduct a survey for me, finding out the top 10 friends of me.

The concept seems to be absurd. However I find some similarities between the two.

Last year they conducted the survey across the country covering over 12 metroes, 9,151 cities and 374971 villages to find out the Best engineering colleges of our country, Even I have Friends across the nation in over 02 metoes, 0005 cities and 000001 village, so the survey seems to be quite extensive this time as well (no pun intended)

Last year they published the report of Top 10 Colleges, Though we already knew the outcome, Same will happen with this report(We already knew the outcome)

Nobody give a DAMN about that report, because you will take admission on the basis of your marks and not the survey, so will be the fate of this survey.

They will publish that same report next year with new advertisement, I promise I will do the same (Though advertisement is an issue for me).

Since  India Today/Outlook and the likes may be busy doing the same survey this year I decided to conduct this survey through the help of a NGO

 " KOI_aur_KAAM_nai_HAI"(KAKNH)

"Toh Bhakht jaano, shuru karo kaam lekar kaam dev ka naam" (Kaamdev is type of dev, saachi,google it)

#Name: Coco

Occupation: Probationary Officer, Bank Of India,

Trait: Huh?? Haaa?? What?? Kab?? and ????

Friend Since: 1998

Coco Is the reincarnation of fool bird DODO. He is irritatingly slow in understanding everything. He will laugh only when you will tell him that "Abe yeh joke tha itna serious kyun ho raha hai" 

He may believe you if you will say Nepal cancelled its plan of invading China, because Bhutan urges not to do so (no pun intended). Sometimes ignorance and simplicity is strenght and he is master of that.

# Name : Google

Occupation: MBA College, 2nd Year Student, Meerut

Trait: Half baked knowledge

Friend Since : 1994

You have a doubt?? Ask google. He will quench your curiosity at least for a moment. He is wikipedia of all slangs. He can turn lyrics of any song into "gaaliyon ki dukaan" letting you wonder what will happen if his lyrics will be filmed (At least censor board waalon ke kaan se khoon aa jayega). He is the one who has given all of us a name of course @#%&@% type.

# Name: Mr. Cricket

Occupation : Part time Cricketer Full time vellapanti

Trait : Casanova

Friend since: 2000

He is undoubtedly the best baller I have ever faced (Though I am the worst Batsman the world have seen so far), a maverick batsman, and an athlete in the field, a complete package for cricket. Casanova by nature, he can be easily spotted near girls school/girls hostel/college/saari dukan/chatt puchka thela and every other like place.

#Name: Mr. Gumshuda

Occupation: 4th year Engineering college, Tamil Nadu

Trait: UNKNOWN

Friend Since: 1996

He is the Rancho from 3 idiots, always busy in his thoughts. He could be spotted smoking his tension and wrestling with his thoughts. He is a friend in a need. Considering super silence he maintains around him I am refraining number of words for him.

#Name: Miss Nautanki

Occupation: Mass comm. and Part time Tv actress

Trait:Centre of universe

Friend since: 2004

She is the eye candy of our group. Everyone from this group,of course except me, has a huge crush on her. She consider herself to be the centre of every ones universe. She is a complete showoff. She can be easily spotted near mirror. Considering the number of profile pic she has in her facebook, Zukerberg is planning to buy a new server to accommodate the new pics that she might upload.

# Name: Chameleon

Occupation: PG 1st year From IIT Delhi

Trait: Weird

Friend Since: 1999

He is the most weired creature I have ever met. He can spit venom more than a viper and can easily change his side(Actually he takes his side only). A self proclaimed Kaamino ka sardar , doing justice with his tag.

#Name : Massss

Occupation : Bangalore, 4th year, Engineering College

Trait: Pride/Honesty/Integrity/Values/Principals/BORING

Friend Since: 2001

I doubt If there is any another person in the world with such a disinterest towards anything that sounds interesting. He is a misfit to this 21st century. The fellow should have been born in stone age. In a way he resembles CHATUR RAMLINGAM from 3 Idiots. He was a darling of teachers during our school days (I envy you for this man) and I bet he is still enjoying the same position in his college. A very good son, a good brother, a good friend, a good student, a good TENANT , a good scooter driver, and a very good learner. We love you buddy and respect all your good qualities. Irrespective of what we say you are the ONE !!!!

# Name : Poo

Occupation: Cipla, Trainee

Trait: Beauty with Brain

Friend since: GOOGLE allowed me to be a Friend

Dressed in a very elegant style and struggling with medical jargon's, she could easily draw anybodies attention. A girl from a Brahman orthodox family taking about beer/vodka/whisky, and being a very Fun loving, very friendly, outgoing, unreserved, and a showboat is difficult to find but a gem to keep forever.

I firmly believe that happy girls are prettiest girls

Though the name " Band Of Brothers" seems to be absurd since there are girls as well, but had I named it " Band of Brothers and Sisters"  (Oh yukkkk I feel like puking), seriously I would have been killed. It should rather be named as "Chuddy buddy"

And Yes I don't feel ashamed of making fun of you guys.

The Other side Of a Chartered Accountant

Priceless!!

Miracles do happen!! At least in my case it happened!! Its been six month, since I asked her and she said " YES!! I DO". Making me believe in prayers and miracles from the very moment!!

It was not the first time that I proposed to her. I did that at least a  million time in my dreams, practised it for over thousand times with my friends. The fact is it took me three and half month to discover that there is something for her inside me, but I feel I was waiting for her all my life. That is why Every time I look at her I feel embarrassed and I just want to avoid her and to hide myself somewhere, whereas the other part of me keep on fantasizing that she might be noticing me. I firmly believe that  somebody do play a violin and leaves do fall from the trees when you are in love with your kind of girl (at least that is happening with me).

Its not "Puri Kundli Mil Rahi Ho" type of relationship that we share, rather there is nothing common in between us of course except the feeling. She hate cricket, she don't even like the music I admire. We don't have same likes for the Ice creams flavours. But even then

Every time I see her for some reasons I feel nervous. Though it may sound funny or unusual but my cheeks turn red and my face feels hot. Something inside my left chest start beating like a drum.


Her entry to my life brought huge changes in me.

Number of times I comb my hair have increased marginally(I mean DRASTICALLY), Number of times I go to Saloon for my hair cut and shaving have increased NOTICEABLY, to the horror of my parents but to the delight of saloon wala. My phone bill has been increased, again noticeably, giving rise to a suspicion in the mind of my elder brother!!. For the first time in my life I started using words like CUTE!! CHWEEETT!!! whenever she show me pic of her distant cousin or niece or masssii ka beta or bhabhie ka dewar ka bhatija!!! I started admiring girls dress, just to imagine how she will look in that!!! Expenditure (rather investment) on my petrol bills have increased because of number of trips I made to her colony. Everyday I go to that office where my not-so-friendly-boss groans at me, just to see her smiling face. Now I no longer admire the action packed movie of Jackie Chan but keep on scrolling the channels to see if there is any LOVE STORY of dharma production just to get an insight of what makes a great pair (no this is a lie, I am not KAREN JOHAR)


The Journey till date was great. We fought five times, actually It should be called 2.5 times(Because every time I just ignored by keeping my mouth shut ).

She is a gem!!! She believe in me!! She Trusts me!!! but this is not the first time when someone put her trust on me!! I have betrayed someone even before!!! But even then she accepted, she accepted me as I am.She taught me that its not cool to die with million bucks and thousands of regrets. She taught me its not cool to solve every problem by walking away from it. She taught me its okay if you if you say sorry for your mistakes.

She has given a whole a new meaning to my life. She has given me a reason  to wake up early with a smile on my face, a reason to see my ugly (no actually fugly) boss, a reason to visit temple to thank god, a reason to extend hand to a needy, a reason to drive slow and safe, a reason to face the reality, a reason not to be ashamed of what I did in past and million other reason to smile.

I hope I am not daydreaming and I hope you will remain same forever and I hope someday I will prove that I am worthy for you!!!

                                 " Yeh Kaun sa tha JAAM jo tune pila diya
                                      Iss Sir phire ka pura system hila diya"

Hasina Parker ka Pata (address)

What is the purpose of life?? Is there any soul inside my body?? Is there any god?? Is the world is coming to an end?? Acid rain, deforestation, 1411 tigers, life in mars, Black hole etc etc pop up in the minds of we mortals . Lucky you!! I am not going to reply all these. In fact, I am going to reply some of very simple questions in my way!!! Yaani SPRITE seedhi baat no bakwas!!!

1) Chimpu (Nagaland): Sirjee, Yeh melody itni choclaty kyun hai??
Ans:Chimpu !! First  Tell me why this kolaveri di!!

2) Sanju (Patna)What should I do, People don't like my status updates??
Ans. Select a target group and send them a DVD of RA. ONE (Mind it its not RAWAN...its RA(DOT)ONE ) and tell them LIKE at least one!.

3) Sachin Tichkule (Nagpur) Who protects Mumbai from crime world??
Ans. Its one and only all powerful, super awesome, cool, manly, stud, pest removing, criminal harassing, raat ka rakshak SURAJ aka DOGA

4) Article (ICAI delhi)  I cant concentrate on my studies, what should I do??
Ans. Order now NAZAR SURAKSHA KAWACH from Telebrand, dont buy from Teleshop, their product doesnot provide SURAKSHA from jealous aunties!!

5)  Why you waste so much time in surfing and writing useless things?? Can I do the same??
Ans. Because I am super cool , Whats your excuse?? ( Hidden Message : I have already screwed my life, Do the same  if you want to screw yours)

6)Yogi(Dharamsaala) There are Zillion BABAS in India, all are equally mesmerising, whom to follow??
Ans. Arrey bandh karo yeh baba jee ka ghanta, there is only one baba, SANJU BABA, follow him and his style staement.

7)CaClubindia :Where the hell is Hasina Parker's address??
Ans. Google it. I just put it to grab your attention.

No!! No!! No clapping please. Just mail me your query, I will try to resolve your problem (I am so awesome)

LOL Moments

Today I was talking to a  friend of mine, who by the way, is the only person in the world who spits venom more than a viper. You just ask his views on any matter and he will be yelling @#$!! and #@&*! after every two seconds at the highest pitch of human voice possible. For him the name of every friend has been replaced by #$!@! etc etc. Coming to the point, we were discussing what  you should avoid asking a CA student.

1) Ok, You are doing CA, Good Beta!! From which college???

This is what happened to many of us when some aunty of our colony, especially whose child is studying MBA from college like Matunga B-school or Oxford B-school of tuticorin (OBT) , visits your home, and asks you!!! We hate this question the most!!!! I bet you if this question is asked in CA final paper the pass percentage will fall miserably. Everyone of us wants to avoid this question.

2) What are you doing beta!! CA??? Toh phir last year kya kar rahe the??

Now this is what we call rubbing salt on wounds. You should never ask a woman her age and a CA student, his number of attempts. This is a unwritten law and everyone should respect it. I just hope someday ICAI will issue Guidelines for general public on " What not to ask from a  CA student" just like it issues Guidelines (though there are n number of guidelines on everything, they may issue Guideline on how to use a guideline)  to help its members.

3) Its a great news !!! You are placed just after you higher secondary!!! How much they pay you??

Who said there is a minimum wage of Rs. 120/day/female worker and Rs150/day/male worker. There is no such norm for  aricles (Actually the norm is only for humans i guess!!  ) This is one such question you should avoid asking a CA student if you dont want to spoil your relationship with him.

4) Hey!! Guess what! There is a new PJ on CA

Now this is the limit. Just google the word jokes and you will find N number of jokes on CA. After jokes on " The Great Shree Shree 540 RAJNIKANTH" and blood sucking "CID PJs" its CA PJ  that is hot on web. Now read this:

Banner in front of the ICAI Delhi centre :
“Drive slowly, don’t kill our students… leave them to us.”

CA Student TRAIN me chadne laga
Akashwani hui:
"Isme mat chad
ye patri se utar jayegi"

... PLANE me chadne laga Aawaj aayi
"Ye crash ho jayega"

BUS me aawaj aayi
"Ye khai me gir jayegi"

CA Student gusse se-
"Kaun hai be tu?"
Aawaz aayi-"GOD"

CA student-"Jab CA entrance ka Registration form bhar raha tha, tab aapka gala baith gaya tha kya??? :p

Please guys stop this. Ek garib ki hayy nai leni chaiye!!! dont make fun of these lame creatures sorry articles. There is a famous dialouge in BAAZIGAR " maaree hue ko kya maaroge Madan Chopra". Yeah this is true for us.

5) Beta why you choose CA over MBA??

The first thought that pop up in mind is , I want to screw my life that's why, do have any problem with that??
 Cmon yaar we were just 15 or 16 (or may be 17) when we choose  this path and there were no LIFE LINE like phone a friend. So we just opted it as every Tom Dick and Harry was doing so.

Coming to the end (Come on , you expect a guy who has  spent his whole day playing solitaire at his office , and then come back home and write all that in one go ? )

Please do comment your reaction. I love feedback. Sabse mast comment ko mere taraf se ek mahine ka stipend !!!! And please dont make me feel guilty by saying i am a proud CA student and all that. I love it too but as they say " Jisse pyaar hota hai log ussi se toh jhagadte hai"

Cheers

The other side of a Chartered Accountant

Success!!!! is it??

After my 12th, I was confused. I never thought that even I would be planning for my future someday. So after a number of free advice from aunties of colony I decided to go and meet some really learned men to figure out , what I should do with my life.

Personally I was interested in taking PAINTING as my career, though I am not a good painter or something like that. But I was (actually still I am) mesmerised by the mystique of painters who paints advertisement on walls or hoardings. What attracted me more is there name like AAJNABEE Painter, CHOCO BOY painter, etc. They are really cool people, they come in night like batman (or may be in day but who cares but me), do there job and vanishes like Bats do.

 On a fateful day one of my so called well wisher punctured my childhood dream of becoming a painter.

He said life of a painter (street) is full of sufferance, agony, misery (oh god i never felt so much pain in my ears before, stop these synonyms ) , in fact the word itself has pain in it PAIN-ter!!!! So after an hour or may be two of brain storming  we zeroed on CA as a career path ( Though I later felt pain for 5 long years while pursuing it).

So  the rat race began one day. Though I used to be a good student in school  (at least my report card depicts so!) I fell twice and finally completed it in the third go (AAooo...success, ) But you know victory is sweet when you've known defeat.  Although half hearted I chased my so called dream, it gave me inner peace on its realisation and yes a lot of happiness to my parents.

Sometimes I wonder is it a 3 Idiots effect that every now and then, artist inside me, makes me feel  restless. But let it cry inside me. What I learnt lesson from my life ( Doosro ki galti se kya sikhna ...make your own mistakes yaar) let the world end in 2012 or even today.Sometimes this success really sucks!!! Who cares , If you are enjoying the day today. May be, Someday I will be organising an exhibition of my paintings or may be i became a successful CA . But who the hell has seen future. I am enjoying the day today and that is important . May be I have learnt to LIVE in present.

Success is an abstract term. And you are successful only if you believes so. I am successful in my own way! May be someday i will be considered by the society as successful man.