Love ka Panchnama

I know She is hot! No! Not just hot, She is Sun! But then even I am not Tushaar Kapoor. I am not John Abraham but then not even Johnny Lever either. So, I think you got the gist, I am not bad looking, ok , ok, if you all are insisting , I am accepting it

"I AM  SEXY BEAST"

It has become so difficult to be humble these days.

Well the fact is recently a NGO, " Koi-aur-kaam-nai-hai   " , declared me as the 1021 most desirable person in an intergalactic survey. Rumors has it; that inspired by the incident that took place in Dubai recently  RAW and other governmental agencies are planning to deport me out of India, because of the provocativeness I am radiating after my breakup with Her.

People like Arvind Kejriwal has already given statement in CNN-IBM  that bewitching personality  like Mr. Double Bottle is a threat to nation's security. If we will be elected we will bring strong Lokpal that will put a check on awesomeness radiating by him.

Well, to cut the crap and coming to the point.

Sathiyo lagao chopal aur shuru ho jao aaj ka batola !! We are discussing that awesome moment when your shona, betu, jaanu, bachu turns into Ek thi dayan.

With the planet size brain that I have, I know what XY Chromosomes of Homo Sapiens  aka Bechara Mard faces these days after break-up. So to lessen the pain and agony of my fellow beings I, in association with Professor pony tail Arindum Choudhary, have  identified few Break up ke Good Effects.

Let me introduce Professor D K Boss Arindum Choudhary first, he is  the writer of great literary work Count your chicken before they Bullshit and Discover the diamond in you (translated in Hebrew as Screw yourself before some one else screws you)

1) Social Stigma:- Single stags are like AIDS, Jo chune se nai phailta but people are afraid of it. Once you are single you become a threat. A threat for boringly forever after couples. You become a temptation for girls. Suddenly, people start considering you as fuckawesome as the Korean Guy who discovered Ganganam Style. So enjoy the moment.

2)Vicky Donor: Now you don't have to waste natural resource in you, I believe this is diamond in you, which Prof Choudhary is talking about. Learn it from Vicky and donate it as generously as you can.

3) Booze: Drink like a fish. Now you don't have to give a damn second  thought whether to drink a desi or videshi, to go in shit expensive bar or to have it on terrace. 

4) Har Ek friend jaruri hota hai:- So, you can go back to your friends. Do all the mawalipanti, lukhapanti and haramipanti with your chuddy buddies. Enjoy the freedom.

5) Apna sapna money money:- With no one to coil around like a snake on your hard earned  money, you can aaram se do future planning. Have you ever imagined that the money you have spent on her, you could have bought a play-station or a punch bag or a latest mobile gizmo for yourself.

Disclaimer:- (Please read the disclaimer with the same speed which that Mutual fund dude reads)

Care must be taken to ensure that above advantages should not be overused, as it might backfire.

Dead Ever After :(

So finally, It happened. The much awaited decision is taken. It's over now. I am numb. Not feeling anything. May be my mind is still trying to digest what happened. I am feeling butterflies of the size of dinosaurs in my stomach. 
But It happens. I heard it from my friends before, that they is no relationship which lasts forever. There is nothing like lived happily forever after.

I never thought that it will happen in this way. But why I am feeling so sad. I am not programmed to be unhappy. I am the coolest, sexiest , awesome, macho, rational , super duper hunk and the most HUMBLE guy ever walked on this planet, no in the whole solar system.

Ah! For the first time I did not feel the same, while introducing my self this way. May be it was the confidence that I used to draw from her. When you have the most beautiful girl by your side, it's natural to be over-confident, sometimes arrogant. She gave me the feeling that whole universe revolves around our relationship. That nobody matters to us. That even if I had a very bad day, It was enough if she would have said it's okay baby, I am with you. Her almond shaped eyes, her long straight hair, her sharp nose, her fair complexion, her lean body, her dress, her eyeliner, her smell, her don't-give-a-shit-attitude for what other's think about us, her nail polish, i had an eye for every single detail of her. I know I am being sissy when I am mentioning such minute details about her. But then It's her, the only one that matters to me. The one who is final quest and elucidation at the same time. One who makes you feel you are the strongest and at the same time more fragile than a glass.

Now suddenly she turned away from me. How can someone be so rude? How can she forget that I am the ONE. I am the chosen one. If she makes me feel complete, I am the one who makes her feel that she is special.
It's all a lie what they show in movies, I know, Ah, I have experienced, people don't smoke, don't booze after break-up. In-fact smoke and wine does not give you the same ecstasy. I know what they do. They just loathe. They just sleep for hours. In my case I Watch ceiling of my house untiringly. Wait for something that even I cannot describe what I am waiting for. I am Trying hard to indulge in earthly things. Try to notice females and finally I have realized there is no one in this planet who is like HER.

In last couple of weeks I have Logged in facebook for zillion times only to realize that there is no one interesting there to chat, Logs-out and then login again to visit her profile. Cannot help noticing that she still looks the same.She  still looks cute. May be she is not ageing. She looks all same. 

Now I am all alone. Missing good olden days. Now I cannot imagine even in my wildest dream that she will come back.

  

Aviator Vs Invertor

It's a year old story.I was young, That doesn't mean that now I am not, I was careless, Even Now I am but that time I was more.  I was rebellion like Che Guevara, energetic like Red Bull, and more good looking than good looks, In short I was Me with 33% extra.

The year was 2012, March.I was struggling hard with my ISCA book. CA Final exam was only two months away. My study room was burning like furnace and My face was looking worse than  Bindu Dara Singh . Sweats beaded on my forehead and I was stinking more than a rotten cabbage :P.

Needless to say,  there was no electricity at home.

I was using @@#%$% and #@%#&@ words more than Raghu and Raju put together in all 10 sessions of Roadies. Yes, I was cursing government and writers of ISCA book.

But In the heart I was happy, It was Saturday. My elder brother, I call him Biya, comes home every Saturday.Call me sissy, but nothing delights me more than following my Biya. The day was even more special, it was his salary day.

Last month we decided, we will buy an Aviator for him. We used to think an Aviator sunglass is the need of every hot-shot guy in the town, we still think!! Let me tell you all, My brother is a 5'11'' tall very fair guy with shaggy jet black hair, and a  muscular body.When well dressed, I can bet he can take on any model they show in TV ads.

He came home late that day, I was pissed off. The moment he entered home I started screaming like Dolly Bindra. He tried to pacify me, but all in vain. Without uttering a word, he gave me 100 Rupee note and told me to pay it to the auto wala outside our house.

In auto, there sitting a man of 6 feet, jet dark in complexion and well grown beard. That guy called me in his husky voice, "Help me in lifting this". There was a big cartoon, two three wires and a double size battery. He asked me who is the KID in your house preparing for some exam.

I was almost in tears. why the hell , he, is so good. He bought it so that I can study in a cool cozy environment. He still treats me as a Kid. 

Oh! Did I mention he is only one year older than me? 

Hugs, Fights, Building things, painting, Kulfi, pop-corn and watching movies with him and my younger brother . Life!!!

I miss all of it here in Bangalore. Biya I miss u!!! I miss my life.

It's almost a year. Still he does not own an aviator. Every month he buys something which fulfills our need.

Heroic.

The Other side of a Chartered Accountant

Annual conference :)

I have been busy!!Busy as bee!! Busy with conferences, team meetings!! Trying very hard to sound knowledgeable in meetings!

Today afternoon also I was in a conference!! After getting bored to the core!! I decided to end my tension with my Manager and team lead and to make them famous by putting their pics on my blog!!

Drawing my manger's pic is not an easy task. His mammoth personality is not easy to draw. Anyways I tried and Here is the result:- 

And, Here is my team lead:-

looks exactly like my team lead. I am just praying that Ass-sociation for Ass welfare (AAW) does not file  Ass rights violation petition against me. My team lead is that big jerk. U cannot compare him even with an ass.

Still I draw well!! 

The D-Day :)

In Every wantrepreneur's life this day comes at-least once, the day which gives him more hard on then probably he will get in his first night.  Yes, the D-day. The day when you get a chance to sell your idea.


Thankfully, I got this chance at very tender age, Though its a different thing that recently a seventh standard girl called me UNCLE. And My Expression was " You got to be kidding me"

Anyways so the gist is I got the chance.

I booked a ticket from Bangalore to Ranchi, by the way, booking a ticket on ITCTC is more difficult then talking to your first crush. Most of the time I end up getting these notifications:-

1)Session Expired
2)You pressed the back button
3)Service unavailable
4) Page cannot be displayed
5)Service downtime.

To cut the crap and coming to the point. I reached Ranchi, my hometown. My home town is a wonderland, pleasant climate, friendly people, mouth watering cuisine ( We have dosa that looks nowhere like a dosa :) and above all beautiful girls of  Rangrez gali and PP Compound.

My friend Goofy was waiting for me at the station. As usual, train was late. He was looking like as if he is coming straight from Syberia From head to toe, he was covered with woolen clothes.They should Remix the song and release it as

" Tadpaye tarsaye re RANCHI ki sardi". Its that cold in Ranchi.

Anyways we were excited and charged. We were planning to go straight to THE CA firm and give a presentation on our business plan. But then we decided its not good to give a presentation in your rugged jeans, green shoes and messy hair. So we took an appointment for the evening .

Through one of  my contact a leading firm agreed to give us a chance (It was not that easy to get a chance, I did more Rona dhona than Tulsi and Parvati did in Saas Bahu serial) to put a partnership proposal.

The idea was to give an impression that in long term the firm will be benefited from us( No pun intended). In the heart I knew that all the promises I am going to make is false. But the outcome of my efforts, for sure, is bright, for the firm and for us. We did a thorough research and went to give it a shot.

The office was not very swanky and I don't know whether its result of my Bollywood corrupt mind or was it really so, the office was looking as if its every ready for any of RamGopal's horror movie shooting. There were around 15 lame creatures, who they call articles,were sitting facing  the desktop. There faces were pale as somebody has sucked their life blood (Needless to say who). There were absolutely no smile on their   faces. In the corner, there was a big cabin and two gentle man were sitting inside. 

The cabin was dark and cold, faces of them even colder. We took our chairs and began. My heart was beating very fast and Palms were sweating. After giving a presentation for half an hour and further discussion they gave verdict::-

We will inform you.

After 3 days I got a mail:- We have considered your plan. Send your business plan in writing and complete the formalities with ICAI. We are ready to give you permission to open branch office subject to following conditions. (Well, there were zillion conditions, and there is not much space here :)

Really happy!!!

Life ke pange :(

Finally, I took the much awaited decision. I waited for this day more than Rakhi waited for her two sons:- 

Mere bete aayenge, Mere Karan Arjun aayenge.

Yes, I took the leap of faith. I have quit my job. 

Last week , I walked into my Manager's cabin. which by the way stinks more than a rotten cabbage, cooked with onion and said the three magical words I AM QUITTING . It took me more than 8 months to discover that I do not belong to the place, I tried everything possible to love the job, which includes admiring my Manger's FUGLY looking shirt, booking  resort for Team outing and praising manager's wife by saying you are looking too good mam.

But then there is limit of everything and it has become a matter of When and not why? So, finally I went to him: 

I had  practiced the entire conversation , learnt it by heart and puked the entire feelings. There were some awkward moments  , when our eyes locked and none of us knew what to say, it was more like a break up kind of thing. 

I came out of his cabin with a ear-to-ear smile on my face and my tie on my nose (Remember the smell in cabin.). I made some mental notes, in order of importance:-

1) Put all staplers, pencils and other stationery in bag before leaving.

2) Delete all p##n movies from my office laptop. Yes, i am that cheap.

3) Send mails to colleague biding good bye.

4) Pay cold-drink bills.

5) Delete history from browser. :), yes its very important.

6) Complete all the Exit formalities  ( Least important, since if I forget to do point 2 and 4 of the above mentioned Dos they will not allow me to go)

Okay, even point number 4 is important. The pan-wala with whom I have running accounts knows some big shots in underworld.

Though, I have to serve three months of notice period,  I can utilize this time to build ground for my CA Practice. I have made some breakthroughs also:-

1) Got a branch office from Kolkata.

2) Signed a lease agreement for office.

3) Arranged 2-3 clients, for achieving BEP.

4) Tapping a millionaire's daughter ( I need capital)

Wish me luck. Mujhe dawa ki nahi duaa ki zarurat hai!!!!

Give your suggestions, I am carving for it and I need it. I have screwed my articleship days but yes, this time I am damn serious.   

Regards,

The other side of a chartered accountant

http://doublebottle.blogspot.in/

Chota packet baddi musibat!!!

Do you know how it feels, being an elder brother. Certainly not good!!! 

Trust me it feels like pain in not so decent place.

It feels like you have a tail. Yes, you guessed it right, I have an extremely clingy brother who goes wherever I go. Who considers all my friends as his, and who thinks that its his birth right to annoy me. Irony is even my friends likes to hang out with my YOUNGER brother. I see nightmares of  him : 

Nightmare 1  : Scene 42/ Dialogue 3

Me: Aaj mere pass Bangla hai, gaddi hai, bank balance hai... tumhare pass kya hai!!

Clingy brother: Mere pass.. Mere pass.. Tumhare DOST hai!!!!!

I wonder why he always feels the need to tell all my friends that I watch Pokemon and Swat cats, wears Duck Tales Payjama and don't take showers on Saturday and Sunday. (Wiase bhi sunday ko kaun Nahata hai yaar )

Two days back he sent me one of my old pic on whats app. Then he messaged me LOL,  again LOL then HAHAHA and then this HAHAHA and LOL season goes on for a full fifteen minutes. After that he din't send any thing for straight 21 minutes. I thought It's over. But then again I got an image . It was the same pic but was edited slightly  PINK LIPS. Agrrrrr!!!! Oh!! Did I mention that he is 19 years old?

All those who know me, knows how much I appreciate every second of my sleep but for him it is the perfect time to listen loud music. In words of Rajesh Khana " Pushapa pushpa I hate Brothers re" He considers my wardrobe as his, and yes, never allows me to wear his clothes (Even those clothes that he doesn't wear). 

Few days back I got a friend request on Facebook (The only book that interests me). It was him. My greatest nightmare. I know it is the time for me to remove almost all my wall posts, block few of very good friends (girls) and to delete few pics. Moments later I got a call from my Mom. Mom screamed Why don't you accept your brother's request. Learn from Lila aunt's kids they all are friends on Facebook. It is only you who is rude to your brother. By the way Lila Aunt is our neighbor, again-a-totally-uninvited-trouble-in-my-miserable-life. And her kids are, Rajat and Rita are two confused souls. Rajat thinks he is Rita and Rita thinks other way around, I hope you got the gist. Uss type ke log.

Okay, I know its better to delete my facebook account itself. God help me!! Just wondering Is there any law to charge him for cyber bullying me? 

Its time for me to go. I know somewhere something is cooking against me. I have to decipher some information to fail coup against me.I am sure KGB/ Hamas/RAW/FBI must be considering my brother as a potential secret agent considering his Gorilla war techniques. 

I know it sounds sissy but I still sing Dexter's Title song:

Dexter ki Labotory -2
Jaha yeh bacha sabse hoshiyaar .. par DEEDEE uske experiments karti hai bekar!!!

Regards,

The Other side of a Chartered Accountant